For much of the last year and a half, I have lingered in a strange space of utter heartbreak and stubborn joy.
The job descriptions I have wanted more than any other in life have been to be a wife and a mother, but things have not gone according to my carefully laid plans. With that, I have had to reconsider everything I assumed for how I would live my life in my late twenties into my thirties. Piece by piece, I have been slowly letting go and burying the things I held onto so tightly.
Grief is a cycle – it comes in seasons and waves and is not always predictable. In order to not let my disappointment consume me, I have had to actively choose to sit down each day and list the blessings in my life. What is present in my life today that makes me smile? What do I get to do that I could not (or not as easily) if I woke up today as a mom?
We all have plans for our lives – specific ways we think they should go.
We imagine that because we are good people who make the right choices, we will somehow be rewarded. Or for those of us who believe in God, we think because our faith is strong and we trust Him unwaveringly, He will give us the deepest desires of our hearts. This is true especially for those big milestone things: the dream job, the perfect spouse, or a happy, healthy family. Sometimes things seem to work out that way, but quite often they do not.
I am thinking more often and more actively about what it looks like to be a mom in the city.
I am asking more questions of friends who are moms, babysitting for friends, and finally picking up books that talk about child-rearing. I should know by now… this is how I do things. I am a researcher and fact-gatherer at heart. I want to be fully informed on whatever is my current topic of interest. I want to discuss it with anyone who will listen, and then eventually at some point, I feel ready for what is next.
In my first year of marriage, I swore there would be no babies until 2015. I was just figuring out how to be a wife and reside in the shadow of NYC, and at the time the idea of also figuring out how to be a mom was utterly terrifying. There were things I wanted to do and see, milestones I wanted to hit and goals I wanted to accomplish. Last year as I was seeing many of my friends become moms, I was staving off the baby rabies but thoughtfully and prayerfully considering my stance on the appropriate timing for us to have kids. Continue reading The Trepidation of Urban Motherhood